you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize