i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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