I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
