when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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