: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
