My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
