It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
