I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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