I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
