woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
