My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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