if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
