Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
