i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
