dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Randomize
