for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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