you're like a bully in the Christmas story
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
