if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
should my penis look like a turkey
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You dont lie about slip and slides
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
