it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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