Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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