If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
