About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
