chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it's like iHOP with fire
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
