I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Randomize
