he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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