he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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