The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
