so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
