and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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