Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
