When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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