that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
