I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
