Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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