I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You are a genius and a whore.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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