I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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