Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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