I just pynch a tree in the face
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
