What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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