You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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