There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You were trust falling into bushes
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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