I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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