My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I wear drunk well.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
