dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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