see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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