Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
