If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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