Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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