so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
