Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
