SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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