She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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