i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
