I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She bit a glass in half.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize