I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize