There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
